So this is what the wee man is coming out with today. What pearls of wisdom has your wee toot come out with that have stopped you in your tracks and made you think, ‘Has my bairn been drinking again from the bottles in the locked cupboard under the sink?”

I took him swimming today, and we used one of those larger family changing rooms to get sorted out in, considering he likes to thrash out like he’s the lead singer of ‘Anthrax’, and I’m built like the side of a house. You need that extra wee bit of space to wriggle your expansive hips out of a tight fighting pair of jeans and into your swimming shorts. (Not speedos you understand, I’m too old and lumpy for that to be appropriate in any kind of situation.)

I changed the boy first into his swim nappy and swimming trunks before stripping off myself to get ready for the pool. The wee man suddenly froze still with a serious look on his face, accompanied by the sound of screaming kids in the stalls either side of us. At the very second the two other stalls fell quiet, he bellowed out, “DADDY, YOU’VE GOT A BIG SNAIL.” 😯

Well, everything froze for a second until I heard the first outburst of laughter from the stall to my left. One of those held back laughs that explodes out and you know leaves at least a good dose of snot over the top lip. Upon hearing this, the stall to my right also burst out laughing while I hurriedly got my shorts on and bundled the boy into my arms before sprinting toward the pool. Problem is, I was the only dad in there today, so whoever the mystery snotter-laughing people were, they knew exactly who it was in the pool who had the larger snail than a toddler.

So it now depends how you’re willing to look at the consequences. Either they at least know I’m not as smooth as a Ken Doll, or that I have a ‘Gentlemans Arrangement’ that is slimy and has a hard shell..


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