04:40 this morning, this guy woke up murder-screaming like it was the end of the world. I nearly folded my head up through my pooping chute trying to untangle the duvet and get up to run him out to the car and off to hospital thinking it was the end of days.

Just as I smashed myself off the bedside cabinet with panic he shouted, “I WANT MY PANCAAAAAAKE!!”
Clearly in his dreams some unfathomable scoundrel had taken away his much prized pancake, and his screaming was little more than indignant rage at the injustice of the pastry world.

Two and a half hours later my heart had stopped trying to kick it’s way out of my chest, while he sat supervising the omelette cooking like butter wouldn’t bloody melt..

I’m going to start keeping a water pistol beside the bed and spray him like I’m training a dog next time he wakes up screaming about a baked good. Also handy too for spraying his mum when her farts set the duvet hovering over the bed like a Paul Daniels magic trick.

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