Top Tip for you fellow Dads; Should you take your little one to the swimming pool and forget the special swim nappies, don’t then assume you’ll get away with leaving a regular nappy on and just covering it with a swim suit.
I made this mistake yesterday when we visited Inverurie Swimming Pool for The Destroyer’s regular toddler class. It wasn’t until I had him stripped down that I realised that I’d completely tuned out my wife earlier telling me to remember the swim nappies. In my defence though, I was busy focusing on the TV and what exactly they’d just found buried under an old sofa in ‘Storage Wars’. Priorities people.
“Ach, it’ll be fine..” I said, clamping the swimming trunks on over his regular nappy and heading for the toddler pool, “I’m sure it won’t be too bad.” This was my first mistake.
The minute his wee tooshy hit the pool, the water level dropped about ten inches. Suddenly my son had gone from his usual slender athletic frame to looking like he’d developed a horrible case of Elephantitis of the butt cheeks.
We soldiered on though, because if you don’t acknowledge that your son suddenly looks like an industrial fishing buoy, then definitely nobody else will. This was my second mistake.
I could hear muffled giggles coming from the parents sitting poolside who were watching their little ones in the bigger kids class, and I was unsure whether they were laughing at old ‘Space Hopper Hips’, or the fact that the water level had now been sooked so low by the ever consuming Aldi brand nappy, (can recommend) that the kids were now floundering like fish left high and dry on a beach by a swiftly exiting tide.
“Um, okay kids, let’s all go and use the slide” said the instructor, trying not to laugh at my wee boy prancing forward like a spongy dodgem car, other toddlers looking confused as they suddenly get caught in his geosynchronous orbit and flung around the air clutching foam floats.
“Right” I thought as the wee man waddled up the slide steps with the help of the confused looking instructor, “We’ll get a couple of goes on the slide then we’re done”. This was my third mistake.
You know that scene in ‘Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom’ right after he lifts the golden idol off the podium, and then sprints from the massive boulder hurtling toward him? Well, imagine that boulder but a bit more fleshy coloured, giggling and dripping with snotters. As he crashed into me we fell backwards, and between Captain Bubble Butt and my own substantial bulk, we created a tidal wave that wiped out half the giggling parents at pool side, and I’m pretty sure the lad on the rowing machine in the nearby fitness suite increased his pace tenfold as he watched the wall of water descend upon him.
Oh, and I apologise to Inverurie Swimming Pool for the cracked flooring slab in the changing rooms that took the full force of a dropped ten ton of water filled Aldi nappy. I was sure it was going to go straight through and land in the cellar.