It has been sixteen weeks and five days since I heroically escaped the dastardly clutches of the ‘Milk Givers’ grasping womb-prison, and finally I have managed to secrete away a digital ‘tablet’ that the small, bouncy simpleton they call my ‘brother’ threw beside my mat of changing, whilst momentarily stepping away from the incessant marathon of ‘patrolling paws’ to go and stuff another fudge based sweet into his unrefined palette.
With this technological marvel under my command, I shall at least have the sweet release of documenting the suffering and emotional angst I suffer daily under the thumb of tyranny imposed upon me by these bacon-grease soaked nincompoops.
For example; only yesterday I was relaxing on my mat of changing, watching the bouncy one repeatedly fall off the sofa whilst emulating some ‘spider’ person. I was shouting hearty encouragement as he headed toward a fresh concussion when WHAM! The Milk-Giver appeared from nowhere and rammed a cylinder into my mouth, flooding my taste buds with what can only be described as fruit tinged poison.
Fearing an attempt on my very life, I, of course, spat up the death-potion all over myself, not only evading a timely end but also creating more washing for the Mother-Demon.
I then endured a thorough rub down with a wet wipe whilst the Milk Giver mumbled something about me ‘needing to take some’ Fight-A-Mens’ if I wanted to be big and strong like my father.’
I can assure you woman, the only thing big and strong about that wide headed underling is the smear of chocolate sauce he leaves for you in his lounge pants before they go into the washing pile.
Finally this useless pound of flesh is responding to my commands! No longer do I have to lay stranded on my back, swallowing my own spit like some kind of gurgling village idiot. Now with some assistance from the underlings, I can lay on my front and empty as much mouth water onto the floor as I can feasibly produce! This right here is not only the first step towards dominance over my body, but also over the underlings that continue to ‘coo’ and ‘thrblplplp’ above me.
Once I get crawling mastered, the next step is learning how to apply a Choke Hold or a Figure Four Leg Lock.
These bitches are about to get schooled.