I hate to brag, but some might say I’m a leading light in the scientific research community. In particular the neglected study of, ‘Making Crotch-Goblins Shut The Fuck Up During Movies’.
And after years of meticulous research, I appear to have had a breakthrough.. Buckle yourself in folks, this is life changing.
You see, we’ve all been in a situation where we’ve wanted to go to the movies and watch someone get hacked up into bits by a creepy small clown puppet on a tricycle, but we’ve not been ‘allowed’ because society thinks that we shouldn’t leave our kids at home chained to the radiator, or worse take them along so they can see for themselves what happens if you have to dig a key out of someone else’s stomach.
Because of these restrictions, The Destroyer and I were only allowed to go to a ‘Movies for Kids’ screening today, where they play some animated pish while your kids run around and lick all the dried up chewing gum on the back of the seats. With our bag of healthy, organic and locally sourced ‘snacks’ that The Roobs had given us pitched into the nearest bin, we sorted ourselves out with a bag of sugar coated sugar and found our seats.
We were at least three vanilla fudges and five gummy bears deep throughout the trailers with Destroyer doing sugar fuelled laps of the cinema whilst screaming about superheroes before the opening credits came on for our movie. Suddenly he slumped to the floor as he hit the sugar dump, and then spent the next hour and a half on the floor crawling around like a slug in a sugar induced coma, drooling on people’s shoes and leaving me to enjoy the movie in relative peace.
So the secret formula seems to be three vanilla fudges, five gummy bears and I think two gummy cola bottles to knock the little fuckers out. I’m booking tickets for ‘Joker’ now for me and the boy, then feeding him sweeties in the car park so he’ll be out cold drooling on the carpet before we get past the adverts.