Ladies and Gentlemen, if I may be so bold I’d like to take this opper-chancity to introduce you to my HLP (Heterosexual Life Partner) Stephen Early.
I’ve had the distinct pleasure of knowing Steev here since he was a young lad, who I used to throw around the pool room of an old hotel back in my Bouncer days when I’d catch him underage drinking and trying to conceal bottles of MD20/20 down the legs of his corduroy flares.
Since then we’ve lived together, passed out drunk together and at one point, nearly got stabbed by former neighbours because we were playing ‘Wii Sports’ a little too loudly at four in the morning.
Over the years we’ve stayed close despite us both starting families and following different career paths, but we still have an agreement that should our wonderful partners ever leave us, we’re hitching up in a civil partnership and moving in together to play video games and laugh about boobs.
Anyway, here’s a quick example of why I love Steev. He’s an intelligent man you see, has proven himself in his career as an offshore project manager and former mechanic, and is a proud family man who lives for his partner Tracy Neilly and his beautiful daughter. But he’s also a man who when given a child’s play tunnel, will get himself stuck-fast and end up writhing around the floor like a drunken slug.