Doghouse Derby

Whilst at the Turriff May Day Fayre yesterday we came across some kiddy bumper cars, which the Destroyer seemed to be super keen to go on. After some reassurance from the gentleman operating them, we threw him on and strapped him in ready to battle. Luckily he only had one other competitor who seemed of a similar age, so we weren’t too worried about him getting nailed at full speed and catapulted into the nearby Turriff Printing Services display.

“Would you like to go on too sir, maybe just to show your son how it’s done?” Well, he’d barely finished that last syllable before I was over the barrier and sumo dropping myself into one of the unfortunate bumper cars. I realized very quickly how damaging an effect a child-sized seat can have on the derrière and undercarriage of an overweight gorilla who’s already eaten his own bodyweight in hot dogs.

What you see here folks is the face of a man who is immediately regretting his decision, but can’t back out now because his son is beaming at him from across the danger zone, and his wife is trying not to go into premature labor and spit out a crotch goblin whilst ending herself laughing.

It’s also the face of a man who realizes a small crowd has gathered to see why the hell ‘Fat Kojak’ is jammed by the hips into a child’s fairground vehicle. So to restore some of my dignity, I spent the following three minutes nailing those little snotter faces into the side barriers.

It’s cool, they’ll thank me for this life lesson when they’re older and properly cynical with life.

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