Guess what everyone! You can all stop the guesswork, debating and rumour-mongering now. The facts are in and we have a gender confirmation for the new baby!
I mean yes, we are still a couple of weeks away from being eligible for any kind of ‘official’ gender scan, but you can put aside your puny modern science and your fully trained and capable diagnostic staff and equipment, because I’ve been reliably informed by my good lady wife The Roobs that a bit of mouldy paper found in a tomb near Beijing over 700 years ago has reliably informed her that we’re having a girl!
Yes indeed. This ancient chart, (now called a ‘Chinese Gender Predictor’) that had been created for the Imperial family of the Qing Dynasty and was then locked away in their palace and ruthlessly guarded by dedicated eunuchs against public scrutiny is now available as an online test, freely available to single parent and ‘Full Time Mummy’ Sandra from Dundee to swipe through on her top of the range iPhone, while she worries which gender specific range of Burberry romper suits she should get for her forthcoming sixth child.
“Seemingly it’s had a near 50% success rate in guessing genders!”
Well that’s wonderful. So essentially a 50/50 chance of our in-utero child being a boy or a girl? I can see why a Chinese emperor locked this terrible power away from the world behind a wall of cockless minions. Imagine what that kind of power could do in the wrong hands?
Me: “Hey Ancient Chinese Gender Predictor, should I trust this forthcoming fart that’s currently rumbling it’s way through my nethers looking for an exit?”
CGP: “PREDICTOR SAYS YES”
Me: *Proceeds to skitter all down the backs of my knees*
CGP: “PREDICTOR ALSO HAVE WONDERFUL SENSE OF HUMOUR”
After asking my mad-eyed wife for her forgiveness over not believing a pull down box on ‘momjunction.com’, I decided that I needed to get a second opinion on this gender revelation we’d been exposed to.
I searched the web looking for other ways that we could figure out the gender of ‘Nugget’ before he or she comes into the world, and I found some absolute gems. Of course, wanting to give these methods some credence, I decided to do lots of them so that we had a ton of evidence that we could then correlate into a result that was perhaps better than just 50% either way.
(These gender prediction ideas come from http://redtri.com/bump-baby/ways-to-predict-your-babys-gender/ )
1: Breaking Out. According to this old wives tale, if your skin has been golden and ‘dewy’ during your pregnancy you can expect a boy. If however you’ve had breakouts and skin issues galore, you can expect a girl. After thoroughly inspecting my beautiful semi-clad wife for blemishes, everything seemed clear and wonderful. That was until I came upon the civilisation of acne monsters that had taken up residence between her shoulder blades. One of them was clearly the leader of this burgeoning society of pus goblins, a large throbbing beastie who looked a bit like the conjoined chest twin from Arnold Schwarzenegger’s classic, ‘Total Recall’.
I’m sure it mumbled something about ‘starting a reactor’, but I had already thrown a towel over the white headed bastards and ran to the bathroom, where I locked the door and contemplated the one story drop out the window to the concrete slabs below.
2. Boobage. This one is a winner I think. My job as laid out by our wise ancestors was to ask my wife to strip topless while I sat and studied her ‘love pillows’ in great detail. If her right boob was bigger, then Nugget is going to be a girl, or a boy if the left is bigger.
After a long bout of intensive study, some studious weighing, (and a small portion of ‘WHEY HEY HEY!!ing) I concluded that the winner was exactly what she’s accused me of being now since before we were married.. A right tit.
3. Kicking. Seemingly if the wee one is particularly active whilst in utero then you expect a boy. If however it’s pretty chill and quiet you can expect a girl. The Destroyer back in the day was a wiggling brute whilst still being baked in the fleshy oven. At one point The Roobs’ bump was pulsing and cavorting so wildly it looked like the local pipe band procession had detoured through her abdomen.
So far Nugget has seemed pretty chilled out. I’ve tried blaring some Metallica in the hope that I’d see a tiny pair of prongs being thrown up in salute, but alas nothing.
4. DRANO. Now for those of us in the UK ‘Drano’ isn’t really that well known as a brand. I have no idea what the heck it is, so did a quick Google search and discovered it’s for unblocking pipes full of discarded shower pubes.
So why do we need Drano? Well the theory is that you get your pregnant other half to pish in a cup, and then you pour in one teaspoon of this Drano stuff. If the colour turns green you can expect a girl, or should it turn blue you can expect a boy. Of course, if it turns black you can expect to be giving birth to the reincarnated soul of our dark Lord BEELZEBUB.
Luckily The Roobs had to recently collect a urine sample in a small yellow topped screw lid tub, and she’d conveniently left it sitting on a high shelf in case the boy thought it was apple juice and threw it back like a cheap hooker doing whisky shots after a hard day’s night.
I looked for alternatives to Drano that I could secretly dribble into her pishy pot, scanning the cupboards struggling to find anything remotely drain cleaner based, so I settled for an old half drunk bottle of full sugar Cola that I found hidden at the bottom of an old gym bag.
I’d seen plenty videos online showing cola stripping the rust off of pennies overnight, or cleaning alloy wheels to a bright shine. Hell, I saw one video of a tooth left in a cup of cola over a couple of days that completely dissolved.. If it can melt away your bloody molars, I’m sure it can sort out a shit jammed u-bend as well as Drano can.
My plan was simple, the boy was going to his grandparents for the morning and The Roobs was heading to work, so I’d have the house to myself for a good five hours. The second her car kangaroo hopped out of the driveway while she gave me the standard ‘one finger salute’ as a farewell, I locked the door and ran back into the house to find the far too yellowy treasure.
After adding the required amount of liquid diabetes to the pishy cup, the only result I got was black. Oh, and a bollocking for ruining her sample of golden treasure.
6. Head Shape. If you check scans of your forthcoming bundle on joy and their head looks a bit square shaped, then seemingly it’s going to be a boy. Round obviously for a girl. Now this one may have some credence to it, since the first scans we had of The Destroyer showed his head looking like a box of Cadbury’s Heroes.
However after inspecting the new scan photos of Nugget, his or her head looks like the mask that The Predator wears..
7. Ring Swinging. “Grab a ring and some string. Lie down on your back and have someone hold the ring by the string over your belly. If the ring swings in a circle, it’s a girl. If it swings back and forth then it’s a boy.”
Because my ring is essentially the same size as the spare wheel from a Ford Transit van, The Roobs was naturally cautious about having this ring of steely death hovering precariously above her. Thankfully with the aid of a 2 ton load bearing ratchet strap we hoisted the ring above her and left it to its own devices.
Rather than swing or circle its way above her, it seemed to zig-zag slightly, so either we’re having a non-binary kid that identifies as a lawnmower, or..
8. Linea Negra. That dark line that runs from your pubic bone straight up the center of your belly is said, by some, to be an indicator of gender. If the line stops at your belly button, it means you’re having a girl. If the line continues up to your ribs and chest, it’s a boy.
No line that we can see so far, but Roobs does have a fine ginger pelt running right up her spine to the base of her neck.
9. Cravings. If you’re craving salty foods, then you’re pregnant with a boy. Are you jonesin’ for something on the sweeter side? Then it’s a girl you’re carrying.
This one is a bit trickier as The Roobs doesn’t have the standard cravings of most mothers. One day she’ll be jamming bread down her face like there’s a shortage, and the next she’ll cut your throat if you stand between her and a cheese cracker. I tend to stop at the shop on my way home from work and pick up a bar of chocolate, so that when I walk through the front door of the house I can throw it onto the sofa to distract her from wanting to dig my eyes out of their sockets with a spoon for getting her into this pregnancy situation.
10. Baking Soda. Since you have to pee all the time anyway, pee in a cup one more time. Drop in some baking soda. If it fizzes, then it’s a boy; if it doesn’t do anything, it’s a girl.
I had to wait until she’d calmed down after I’d ruined her first piss sample with the cola to attempt this one. After putting the sample pot through a hot wash first to remove any traces of carbonated teeth rotting soda, Roobs deposited a new sample in the tub then sealed it in an envelope so I couldn’t interfere with it.
Once she went to work I found the envelope, and with the practiced hand of a seasonal Postman with a bag of hefty Christmas cards, I expertly steamed open the package and retrieved the prize inside before heading to the kitchen to carry out my experiment.
So here’s where things went wrong. I couldn’t find baking soda in the house, and frankly I couldn’t be arsed putting on trousers and going to the local shop to see if they had any. We do however have baking powder, so once I unscrewed the lid of the pissy tub I plopped in a small bit of the powder to see what happens.
It seemed to fizz, which maybe indicates a boy. But wanting to make sure that I performed a full scientific analysis, I decided to dump in a heaped teaspoon of baking powder, screw the lid back on and give it a wee shake so that all the powder combined fully with the urine.
Did you know that baking powder combined with water creates carbon dioxide, and that chemical reaction inside a sealed container creates enough pressure to blow the lid off and spray you, your hand, the dog and most of the kitchen worktops in frothy urea?
Try explaining to a tired and un-chocolated pregnant woman why she’ll need to aim piss into a tub for a third time, why the dog looks like he’s just walked through the set of a really enthusiastic porn studio and why the kettle and everything else in the surrounding area smells faintly of Domestos.
CONCLUSION: BLACK EYE.
11. Cabbage. Here’s another pee test: Boil a head of red cabbage in some water. Save the red cabbage water and mix it in a cup with your urine. If the water turns pink, it means a girl is on its way. If the water is purple, then it’s a boy.
I was told that if messed up another sample of pregnancy piss, I’d need the help of a good proctologist to dig out my car keys from a very unsavoury place.
12. Morning Sickness. If your morning sickness lasts beyond the first trimester, lots of people think you’re carrying a girl. If your sickness subsides or you didn’t have any to begin with (lucky you!), then it’s a boy.
It’s like a scene from The Exorcist in this house most days. Simple things like brushing teeth or opening the fridge has the poor Roobs heaving up chunks like someone’s opened the release valve on a farmyard salvage tank.
Sometimes she could be sitting down thinking about what it’s like to be sick, and that’ll make her sick. Poor Angus has had to learn the ‘Tuck and Roll’ escape technique when his mother has to clean his back end after a cheeky jobbie, in case he’s suddenly hit in the chest by two to three litres of half digested cheese biscuits.
She’s become so in tune with the selection of programming offered by the Cbeebies channel, that at times the dry heaving is synchronized with the theme songs for ‘Go Jetters’ and ‘Hey Duggee’, and I’ve learned to instinctively duck when the opening bars of ‘Peter Rabbit’ comes on..
So despite a challenge from the Dark Lord himself, it appears that our conclusive winner here is a girl! Never again will I pour scorn upon the ancient Chinese emperors and their gender identifying scrolls, even though all the tests I performed nearly caused an enraged Roobs to turn me into one of their guardian eunuchs.
Well, unless Nugget turns out to be a boy when we have the gender scan on the 9th of March, then I’ll be going on a full on rant about trusting the word of mummy websites and the stability of piss cup lids.